Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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