i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
