you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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