I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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