around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
