Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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