i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
