when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize