you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
