My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
