my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
