his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
