"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize
