umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize