Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
