I wish I could teleport
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
