then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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