Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
