Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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