Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
