dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
