I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
