Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize