can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
