sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize