Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
