I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
