why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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