Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
