note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
