She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
