When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm passing your future prison.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
