So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
