You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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