im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
