Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
