ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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