I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
