I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
