I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
