So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
