to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
