I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
