no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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