it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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