Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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