He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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