....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
