Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm both gender and math confused
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
