She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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