he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
