I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
