I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
