when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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