rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
