I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
lol hangovers are for mortals.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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