oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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