how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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