i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
